I started to write this post before I had my surgery. It was going to be very positive and uplifting. I talked about how I would have my surgery and everything would be perfect. It would be the start of me having a wonderful time working on my bucket list bla bla bla. I had to force every word. Not ready for positivity, I was trying to write something that I didn’t feel. I was scared of all of the post op possibilities and not knowing whether the surgery would actually happen, as it had been cancelled once before. It’s a really good thing that I never posted what I had previously written. I wasn’t being honest with myself about the feelings I was going through. So many people told me that I must be so happy and excited that it was finally happening. And I was. But those weren’t my primary emotions. In the end, all of this helped me to learn something valuable, that could not have been gained from writing a fluffy post for the benefit of others that was far from genuine.
I had BIG expectations for my surgery. Quite unrealistic expectations. It would solve all of my problems. Complete health. No more pain or exhaustion. Frequent hospital visits would be a thing of the past. All possible, yes, but not at all realistic. Now, my 3 hour surgery was a success, but not all issues could be addressed. So, I must have another surgery eventually, and there is no guarantee that what was done will resolve my pain issues. That is my biggest fear. That the pain will remain. I’ve had a rough recovery so far, with pain that feels an awful lot like it did pre surgery. This isn’t the fresh start I had been hoping for. Understandably, I started feeling a little down . . . ok, a lot down. I had, had nearly a whole year of waiting. Waiting to feel better. I kept telling myself that once the pain was gone, I would do all sorts of exciting things. So what do I do? Go back to waiting?
The other day, I had almost resigned myself to going back to putting off every little thing. Maybe 2021 would be my year instead. Why try, when things aren’t going the greatest? I realized however, that I am done waiting. It has become way too easy to put off what I’ve been looking forward to. I don’t want this to become a trend for the rest of my life. Regardless of how healthy or pain free I am once I recover, I will make an effort to complete the items on my 40 Before 40 list. Maybe I wont be able to achieve the fitness ones, or wont be able to travel all over the place, but there will be items I can accomplish. I just need to find that spark, that light of encouragement to keep living intentionally, even when life isn’t perfect.